It was like this from the moment I had wanted to become a psychologist. It was to help my mother and people like her to overcome their minds that had caused them so much pain and suffering. But it also came from a belief that my needs weren’t worth the effort, and that the world said to me that I would only be worth something if I was worth something to someone else first. So, I treated myself like that, like I wasn’t worth having my needs met, like only what other people wished from me was important. And I would always find the ones who I looked up to, their charisma, their beauty, their importance, their kindness or their power over others. I would focus completely on what they thought of me, I would overanalyze every aspect of our interactions. And most of the time the answer that I found from them was I was worthless. They treated me like I was not welcome in their circle, like I was an outsider wanting to fit in.
That is to not say I wasn’t popular or didn’t get along with people. No, I had many acquaintances and a couple of people I would call friends. I had people who liked me, who had crushes on me. But whenever I would open my heart and showed who I was to people I wanted to like me, they would always signal me how I was not for them, like I was worthless to even explain what was wrong with me or what I did wrong, so I could be better. It hurt, it hurt for a long time. It was something that made pull back from others, it made anti-social at times, not wanting anything to do with people and ignoring their existence in return for them doing it to me.
It created a loop, where I would distance myself from others and not reach out to anyone really. Because I would always look for those who wanted to hang out with me from their own coalition, I just didn’t want to be a bother to people who saw me as a waste of time.
Not realizing that that was the problem. I was treating myself like I was worth nothing and thought that I showed others how to treat me. Only a couple of people stuck with me for longer than that, always seeking me out to spend time, to keep the friendship alive. Because most people follow how you treat yourself, and my treatment showed that I wasn’t worth the time or the effort to really get to know me.
It was like I was not worth to the girls I liked, the friends I wanted or the peers I looked up to. Now, that might have been an exaggeration, because I found a couple of friends and peers who helped me. But it still felt like that for many years. And after every rejection I would find something wrong with me, like it was something I would have to change about myself, so I would be accepted and respected.
Not realizing that was the problem. Not accepting me for who I was, yes I am flawed, but that is okay, because they make me, well me…
I just need to find the patience, self-care, self-love, self-confidence and compassion towards myself. I just need to listen to myself and what I actually want and need. What my inner child never dared to ask from me and was secretly doing it from those around me. But at the end it was a thing that only I can truly give, because that way is the only way I will truly actually accept what is given.
Thank you for reading, this writing was something deeply personal, and it just flowed out of me. Because it is something, that I have been pondering and dealing with most of my adult life.
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